Happy 25th Wedding Anniversary

Today is technically my 25th Wedding Anniversary.   I used to hear ’25 years married’ and think, wow, good for them!   However, 25 years ago I had no idea the kind of life I’d have and where I’d be at this stage and it sure didn’t cross my mind that I’d be in the situation I am in, today.
I got a ‘Happy Anniversary’ message from my former husband, it’s also his 47th birthday.   He jokes, ’25 years and never happier’ and I laugh along thinking that he’s basically correct – we are not officially divorced.   That is pretty much because there was no need to do so, no assets, no custody and no need for quick weddings either!
Am I happy to no longer be his partner?   Yes, indeed – I can say that without any hesitation.   It gets reinforced with each conversation I have with him because I’m no longer desensitized to his madness – so I’m relieved not to have to deal with it 24/7.   So very relieved.
Am I happy to now be alone?   No.   And I do fear that I’ve actually missed the boat.   At first I was pre-occupied with just surviving day-to-day when we first split, trying to keep it all in check for my almost-adult children, pretty much because they were left for me to emotionally support as their father decided he wanted to be 20 again, so he was treating them like peers instead of remembering they were his children who did not need to hear about his need for supplements in order to perform, etc etc..   I had to be the ‘normal’ one, calmly encouraging the kids to answer their father’s calls and make the effort to visit grandparents, when the same courtesy was not afforded to me.   I had to be the one to hold my tongue around friends and family so as not to sound bitter and yet again, this was not reciprocated.
It’s in my nature to step aside and bow my head due to a lifetime of doing what I’m told.   I was a ‘Seen and Not Heard’ child who was smacked first, asked later and I was a wife who walked on egg shells just to keep the peace.   Four years of being my own boss now has allowed me to mostly make my own decisions and feel somewhat free.   I do, however, continue to make decisions based on the impact to my children because I still want to lead by example.   This is how I missed the boat, so to speak.   In the early days when I should have been socialising, letting my hair down and learning how to be alive again, finding my feet, I stayed in or just went solo to outings where being alone wasn’t noticeable.   Now, it has become too easy for me although it does make me quite sad.   Some days are worse than others, of course, and it does make me question my worth.
So I’ve decided as a start to give the former husband his birthday back.   It is pretty crumby to have to share your birthday, I’ve done that all my life, so giving his back to him will be my final Anniversary Gift – to us both.
I’ll have a drink (alone) tonite for the final celebration and then I’ll look into divorce procedures.Bride


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