Jan 2015

Two weeks in and I’m struggling to enjoy 2015 already.. I really wanted this year to be a better year and I know that it’s solely up to me, but crap just keeps getting in the way!

Got some sad news today as my big girl tells the family that she and her bf have split after well over 6 years together. We don’t know why as yet, but she appears to be ok. So we have to trust that.

I know that

shit happens

but I just didn’t see it coming. I’m sad because he’s been in my life for so long and I love him like family.

Such a strange thing about love (in all forms) – it’s really hard to let it go once it’s found it’s place in your heart, once you say the word, once you think the thought, once you’ve (finally) let it take hold.

I worry about this boy as I do my own – I was on edge during the Lindt Cafe siege because he was nearby and I couldn’t settle until I knew he was on his way out of the city – it is going to be a struggle not to constantly have him in my thoughts moving forward. I do hope they’ve made the right decision or at least remained friends in case they haven’t.

It made me feel ill all day and I had intermittent tears as I kept selfishly thinking: why can’t I just have some happiness? It’s getting to a stage where I struggle to find a time when I was really happy for a lengthened period. Not just a moment or a few hours, but actually day to day for a while. I can’t recall and it makes me wonder whether it’s all worth it. Is my life – as I know it today – a worthy life? Have I made a difference in anyone’s world? I can’t help but wonder all that as I sit here alone on yet another solo day. I don’t want to be a hero but I’d really love to think I was something to someone. I forget how that feels.

So I continue to go through the motions – sleep work eat repeat – and move around completely unnoticed in this world. But where does it end; when does it end; how does it end?
Guess I just have to keep telling myself that life does go on.



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