Well that’s the first month of 2015 gone.
It was such a topsy-turvy 31 days that I’m not sure how my heart withstood it.
I guess it shows just how resilient our hearts are that they can be broken, lots of times, yet still beat with love, care, hope, desire and admiration. I actually think that our need to feel all of these emotions and more, is exactly why our hearts continue to beat despite going through so much.
Today has somehow been tough and I’m really not sure why. It’s just gone midday and I’ve already shed some tears intermittently and I’m filled with melancholy and sadness.
Parents being cranky at their children set me off at first – I just wanted to yell at them, ‘do you honestly think your child wants to be in a cafe/shopping centre on a Sunday morning?! Go take them somewhere fun and enjoy every moment that they are there in your care. You should be smiling, laughing and loving them until your heart hurts, instead of being angry and bossy, expecting them to sit still when they’ve only just woken!!’
If I had my time over (oh if I could please have it over again) I would never waste a moment being angry or grumpy. I despair at the thought that I had moments like those that I saw this morning. I miss my children’s youth. I desperately want to go back and make it perfect for them. It’s consuming my every thought today as we start another month in the year I’m supposed to think more about myself. I truly don’t know how to do that and right now, I have zero desire to.
Go away February – I need time to stop moving forward in favour of reverse. I need to unravel the stitches and go back to casting on, this time making sure each loop is set perfectly.