Wasted Sunday

Well that’s the first month of 2015 gone.

It was such a topsy-turvy 31 days that I’m not sure how my heart withstood it.

I guess it shows just how resilient our hearts are that they can be broken, lots of times, yet still beat with love, care, hope, desire and admiration. I actually think that our need to feel all of these emotions and more, is exactly why our hearts continue to beat despite going through so much.

Today has somehow been tough and I’m really not sure why. It’s just gone midday and I’ve already shed some tears intermittently and I’m filled with melancholy and sadness.

Parents being cranky at their children set me off at first – I just wanted to yell at them, ‘do you honestly think your child wants to be in a cafe/shopping centre on a Sunday morning?! Go take them somewhere fun and enjoy every moment that they are there in your care. You should be smiling, laughing and loving them until your heart hurts, instead of being angry and bossy, expecting them to sit still when they’ve only just woken!!’

If I had my time over (oh if I could please have it over again) I would never waste a moment being angry or grumpy. I despair at the thought that I had moments like those that I saw this morning. I miss my children’s youth. I desperately want to go back and make it perfect for them. It’s consuming my every thought today as we start another month in the year I’m supposed to think more about myself. I truly don’t know how to do that and right now, I have zero desire to.

Go away February – I need time to stop moving forward in favour of reverse. I need to unravel the stitches and go back to casting on, this time making sure each loop is set perfectly.

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Jan 2015

Two weeks in and I’m struggling to enjoy 2015 already.. I really wanted this year to be a better year and I know that it’s solely up to me, but crap just keeps getting in the way!

Got some sad news today as my big girl tells the family that she and her bf have split after well over 6 years together. We don’t know why as yet, but she appears to be ok. So we have to trust that.

I know that

shit happens

but I just didn’t see it coming. I’m sad because he’s been in my life for so long and I love him like family.

Such a strange thing about love (in all forms) – it’s really hard to let it go once it’s found it’s place in your heart, once you say the word, once you think the thought, once you’ve (finally) let it take hold.

I worry about this boy as I do my own – I was on edge during the Lindt Cafe siege because he was nearby and I couldn’t settle until I knew he was on his way out of the city – it is going to be a struggle not to constantly have him in my thoughts moving forward. I do hope they’ve made the right decision or at least remained friends in case they haven’t.

It made me feel ill all day and I had intermittent tears as I kept selfishly thinking: why can’t I just have some happiness? It’s getting to a stage where I struggle to find a time when I was really happy for a lengthened period. Not just a moment or a few hours, but actually day to day for a while. I can’t recall and it makes me wonder whether it’s all worth it. Is my life – as I know it today – a worthy life? Have I made a difference in anyone’s world? I can’t help but wonder all that as I sit here alone on yet another solo day. I don’t want to be a hero but I’d really love to think I was something to someone. I forget how that feels.

So I continue to go through the motions – sleep work eat repeat – and move around completely unnoticed in this world. But where does it end; when does it end; how does it end?
Guess I just have to keep telling myself that life does go on.

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Happy Birthday to me

After last year, I pretty much decided just to ignore my birthday’s from now on. Someone tried to make the last one special however it ended up being dead leaves and the dirty ground so I thought it best to just play it down, if at all, moving forward.

Well that wasn’t to be, as my children contacted me to organise to spend some time. So I took the day off work to be with my daughter then had dinner organised by my son at the restaurant in the establishment that my daughter was managing that night. We were all together, along with the two wonderful people they have chosen to be with. I was treated to drinks and fine dining, as well as gifts and great conversation. I was also treated to praise from my daughter’s boyfriend of 6 years for the ‘awesome job I did bringing her up’. Then my son’s girlfriend also chimed in to mirror the same sentiment in regards to my son. Both of these beautiful young adults love my children for the amazing people they truly are. They are proud of them and also make them happy, which in turn warms my heart to no end. It was such a joy seeing the love in their eyes.
What I silly woman, I was. I could have missed the best gift of all.

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Fathers Day

I can’t recall the feeling of having a father, despite having a couple of step dads in my earlier life. Never felt that superman idolisation that a daughter supposedly feels for her father or the feeling of being protected and safe. Even during my married life, Father’s Day was overtaken by the importance of my mother-in-law’s birthday and my father-in-law’s hidden jealousy that shone through as he either argued with everyone present or just wouldn’t turn up to the event.. (a normal event occurrence in that family anyway)

So today is a nothing day for me. I forgot completely on Friday at work and missed the required

Happy Father’s Day!

to old Mate as he left, but forced it out to the other two as I rushed out the door. Felt a bit bad about that..

Anyway, with many things rushing through my mind on Friday afternoon – get sorted to head all the way across Sydney, from it’s southern suburbs to its northern via its eastern suburbs to pick up my big girl – I headed to the local ATM for some cash before my counsellor visit. In the medical centre awaiting my appointment I realise I’d walked away from the ATM without the bloody cash. Fuck. I head quickly back to the bank only to be told:

we’ll call you Monday afternoon if it was sucked back in

although her eyes were saying

you’re the one who’s sucked in

.
So I head back to my appointment and the lovely receptionist empathises with me as I try to hold back tears.. An hour later as I head out and she wishes me a better weekend as she’s chatting to a man and his son, I smile weakly and thank her, then head to the car to set off on my cross-town journey. As I’m about to drive off, the man and his son round the front of my car and indicate to wind the window down. I do and he introduces himself as the receptionist’s brother-in-law, says he wants to teach his son a lesson in giving as he opens his wallet and hands me $50. I thank him profusely and say no no no, thank you so very much, but no, I couldn’t. He insists, pushing it into my hands. I’m completely overwhelmed and proceed to cry yet again within that hour.

At a time when I’m shelling out $$ just to get through each day, after the betrayal of someone I trusted and cared about for over 10 years, causing trust issues I never even had when my ex left, a complete stranger steps up to show me that there are decent men out there. It took me the whole drive to the eastern suburbs to stop the tears and that was only so I didn’t turn up to my big girls place looking like a complete disaster.
It’s still overwhelming me as I recall it. I don’t know whether to pay it forward or pay it back or merely write a thank you note. It’s something I’ll have to think about today as I spend the day in my own company.

Happy Fathers Day..

Happy 25th Wedding Anniversary

Today is technically my 25th Wedding Anniversary.   I used to hear ’25 years married’ and think, wow, good for them!   However, 25 years ago I had no idea the kind of life I’d have and where I’d be at this stage and it sure didn’t cross my mind that I’d be in the situation I am in, today.
I got a ‘Happy Anniversary’ message from my former husband, it’s also his 47th birthday.   He jokes, ’25 years and never happier’ and I laugh along thinking that he’s basically correct – we are not officially divorced.   That is pretty much because there was no need to do so, no assets, no custody and no need for quick weddings either!
Am I happy to no longer be his partner?   Yes, indeed – I can say that without any hesitation.   It gets reinforced with each conversation I have with him because I’m no longer desensitized to his madness – so I’m relieved not to have to deal with it 24/7.   So very relieved.
Am I happy to now be alone?   No.   And I do fear that I’ve actually missed the boat.   At first I was pre-occupied with just surviving day-to-day when we first split, trying to keep it all in check for my almost-adult children, pretty much because they were left for me to emotionally support as their father decided he wanted to be 20 again, so he was treating them like peers instead of remembering they were his children who did not need to hear about his need for supplements in order to perform, etc etc..   I had to be the ‘normal’ one, calmly encouraging the kids to answer their father’s calls and make the effort to visit grandparents, when the same courtesy was not afforded to me.   I had to be the one to hold my tongue around friends and family so as not to sound bitter and yet again, this was not reciprocated.
It’s in my nature to step aside and bow my head due to a lifetime of doing what I’m told.   I was a ‘Seen and Not Heard’ child who was smacked first, asked later and I was a wife who walked on egg shells just to keep the peace.   Four years of being my own boss now has allowed me to mostly make my own decisions and feel somewhat free.   I do, however, continue to make decisions based on the impact to my children because I still want to lead by example.   This is how I missed the boat, so to speak.   In the early days when I should have been socialising, letting my hair down and learning how to be alive again, finding my feet, I stayed in or just went solo to outings where being alone wasn’t noticeable.   Now, it has become too easy for me although it does make me quite sad.   Some days are worse than others, of course, and it does make me question my worth.
So I’ve decided as a start to give the former husband his birthday back.   It is pretty crumby to have to share your birthday, I’ve done that all my life, so giving his back to him will be my final Anniversary Gift – to us both.
I’ll have a drink (alone) tonite for the final celebration and then I’ll look into divorce procedures.Bride

New Adventure

Here we go!

Paid for TAFE today – Accounting – looking forward to a new focus. Haven’t studied in about 30 years, so this should be fun. Decided to enrol in evening classes rather than online for the social aspect as well as the real contact with the tutors. I’m madly hoping that much of it is mostly already relevant to me so I can ease into ‘schooling’ after all these years. I’ll decide at the end of it all as to whether I continue on for more qualifications.. Way too early to think about that as yet.

Not sure what I was thinking by taking it on in the middle of winter though…

Fingers crossed!

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Mothers Day

chiIt’s always been a bit of a struggle for me – the early days of having to please the mother and mother-in-law and also the ex always complaining that it was ‘hell week’ simply because we never had $$ to buy something decent for our mums – however now May marks the anniversary of the worst news of my life.   The news of harm to your child does not compare to anything.  It is something that tears a hole in your heart and soul and is irreparable no matter how much time or counseling passes.

Sadly, it is not over yet, however I know I am in a better place, internally, than I was a year ago, although I will never fully heal.

I also know that if I was alone when I received the news back then, I would not be here today.  I was extremely lucky and still appreciate those who were by my side at the time and who rallied around me in the hours and days following.   As I reflect on that time, my gratitude still goes out to Liz and JD, Megan and Matthew, Katy, Steve, Lex and my BFF Trina and her husband, Frank.  You all helped me through when I was completely numb and I am ever thankful.

So this week is going to be tough – this weekend marks the year.  I am breathing through, day by day, in the lead up.

It helped a lot to see this post from my daughter yesterday.   It helps me to accept that I did not fail her and that is a hard fact to take on.   I used to think I was the best parent and so I am trying hard to get that feeling back again.

So this week will be reflective, thought-filled and a little sad.  I know I will get through it, just as I have every other week in this past 12 months.  I have to.  I have the best children to be here for and that is all that matters.